


RC #88224646BA Mission #3: Witches Get Stitches

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #88224646BA [7]
Category: Bayonetta (Video Games), Bleach, Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Crossover, Department of Implausible Crossovers, Department of Mary Sues, Did not do the Research, F/M, Gary Stu, Lapis is Not Amused, PPC Mission, Paragraph Winds, Sporking - Freeform, Violence, WTF, bad formatting, badfic, mini-Fortitudos, mini-Menos Grandes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-09-21 15:23:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17046161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: “Such a popular chap. I bet they hate him down there as much as you did when he was up here. We just need to make sure he won’t come crawling back when they kick him out.”— Bayonetta,Bayonetta(2009)In which Backslash’s past misconduct comes back to bite him. No, not literally!





	RC #88224646BA Mission #3: Witches Get Stitches

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. _Xenoblade Chronicles_ , _Pokémon_ , _Kid Icarus_ , and _Wii Fit_ (the home continua of the agents featured) all belong to Nintendo and any affiliated companies thereof. _Bayonetta_ belongs to PlatinumGames. _Bleach_ belongs to Tite Kubo. Agents Backslash, Whitney, Cupid Carmine, and Lapis Lazuli belong to me.  
> The fic being sporked, “[hybrid link](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10719531/1/hybrid-link)”, belongs to [theneo](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5181547/theneo), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Matt Cipher, The Good Mod Addict, and Voyd.
> 
> \- **Rating:** T/PG-13 - Lapis' downward spiral has begun... or has it already been going on for a while now? Reader discretion is also advised for family-unfriendly violence and a bit of gore.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** October 26, 2016
> 
> \- **Note:** This mission takes place on December 15, 2015, immediately after the [December 15 Super Smash Bros. Nintendo Direct](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1JERhUoQoU). For the agents’ reactions to the Direct itself, please check out the corresponding interlude, [“Challenger Approaching”](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XiOb0dHLFaJ-FGEjIspH44sFASvBteomrO2Ut-i-Koo/edit).
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1k8qGOsFeEKe0k2i1UM32U11_zgTKloFpSnJeZYFNbs4/edit?usp=sharing)  
> 

 

 ****Cover Illus tration: “[ +Do We Need To Fight, Ichi?+ ](http://blossomppg.deviantart.com/art/Do-We-Need-To-Fight-Ichi-174286732) ” by [ BlossomPPG ](http://blossomppg.deviantart.com/)

 

 

> “Such a popular chap. I bet they hate him down there as much as you did when he was up here. We just need to make sure he won’t come crawling back when they kick him out.”
> 
> — Bayonetta, _Bayonetta_ (2009)

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]**

“EVERY, SINGLE, TIME!!!” Backslash slammed the big red button with startling force, and then buried his face in his hands. “Way to kill the mood, console! I officially hate you now.”

“Don’t be mad!” said Cupid. The angel had been visiting his friends from the Video Games division of the DMS to watch the final Nintendo Direct for  _Super Smash Bros._  for the 3DS and Wii U, and the two boys had expressed tumultuous jubilation over the announcement of Bayonetta as the winner of the Smash Ballot (to Whitney's jealousy). That was, of course, a mere minute or two before the console had gone off. “It happens all the time to my team as well. Um, can you read this, by the way?”

“You read it, Drunky. I’m not in the mood.”

“O-okay, then, I’ll try!”

It took some effort, but Cupid managed to make out some of the letters, and piece together the major words in the subject line. “Oh dear _gamo_ … It’s a crossover, with a Stu! And speak of the Devil, or should I say the Umbra Witch…”

“Oh no,” said Whitney. “It’s a _Bayonetta_ fic, isn’t it?”

“Apparently! And the Stu’s hooking up with her. I guess if her butt really is that cute…” He blushed a little, his wings rising just slightly.

“Wait, did you say a crossover?” Backslash looked uneasy. “We haven’t had one of those yet. With what game specifically?”

Whitney nudged Cupid aside and read the report herself. “Hm. Is _Bleach_ a video game continuum?”

The angel’s face fell. “If you count the video games made based on the anime… well, okay, maybe you shouldn’t. It’s a manga-slash-anime series.”

“Welp, we’re SOL, then,” said Backslash. “Neither Whitney nor I know any manga or anime aside from those based on the games, like _Pokémon_.”

“Cupid, do you know anyone who can help us?” asked Whitney. “I know we could simply send out a help message, but—”

“I do, actually!” The angel’s wings fluffed out with an audible _poof_. “Hang on, I think one of my partners has just enough knowledge of the manga at least to be of some use. Just a sec, guys!”

With that, he dialed a portal back to his RC and disappeared through it.

Backslash felt his smile fade when the portal closed. “Why do I have a bad feeling about all this? Not just because of the fic, but also because Cupid isn’t telling us who this partner is?”

“Believe me, you’re not the only one who suspects that,” replied Whitney.

There was silence for several long moments, and then the portal opened.

All the color drained from Backslash’s face, his eyes widening in tandem with those of the person on the other side of the portal. That person’s own expression of utter shock was swiftly replaced by one of crimson-faced fury, complete with eyes as red as blood, a half-dozen cross-popping veins, a snarling grimace full of Sharpedo-like fangs, and ears emitting steam with a whistling noise like a tea kettle.

And then the person in question came charging from one RC to another, and the screaming began.

“I’M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU!”

“ _AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!_ ”

“GET OVER HERE, YOU PRICK!!!”

There are very few things which can make a clone of the wielder of the Monado shriek like a little girl and skedaddle at breakneck speed. Only two, in fact — caterpillars (like his canon counterpart), and a blue-haired girl with six rows of razor-sharp teeth and a prosthetic hand coming at him while making noises not unlike a banshee going through a wood chipper.

Luckily, Lapis didn’t make it very far. Almost as soon as she’d crossed the portal, her partner followed suit, rugby-tackling her to the floor (and making sure he’d wrapped his arms around her neck, and not anywhere lower).

“For once,” cried Backslash, having dived into the pile of items spilling out of the closet to save himself, “your glomping skills have been put to _good_ use!”

“My technique’s a bit rusty, but thanks!” replied Cupid, pulling his struggling partner up to her feet.

Lapis spat out a triangular tooth that had been dislodged when her face had met the floor. “LET GO OF ME, YOU _CLOD!_ ” she shouted.

“Not until you promise to me that you won’t gnaw his head off!” said Cupid.

“ _NO!!!_ ”

“What is the meaning of all this?” Whitney asked, her voice calm and sweet as sugar straight from the cane[1].

“He started it!” cried Lapis, pointing at Backslash.

“And I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, but—” the Homs/Honedge began, but Lapis cut him off.

“You’re way too late for that! You know what, no, I’m not gonna chew you up over the whole thing. I’m outta here!”

“Lapis, I’m only going to say this once. _Stop it,_ ” said Cupid. “How many people in this room who aren’t named Lapis know the _Bleach_ anime? How many hands do you need to count them all?”

She stopped thrashing about, glaring at the assassins. “Twenty? Or how about sixty billion?”

“Um, I was going to say zero. That’s why—”

“I was being sarcastic, you pile of guano!” Lapis freed herself from her partner and rounded on him. “And even if you need my help, I’m _not_ going Stu-slaying, especially not with _him!”_ She waved her prosthetic at Backslash again.

“I know things were rough between you two the first time,” said Cupid, “but there’s no getting out of this one now. Look, these two here have never worked with non-game continua, and I’m a _Naruto_ fan, not a _Bleach_ one.”

“Isn’t Sarah—” began Backslash, but Cupid cut him off.

“Sarah doesn’t know _Bleach_ either. Besides, she’s visiting her brother right now, and I didn’t want to pull her away from him. So like it or not, Lapis isn’t just our best bet, but our _only_ bet.”

“But she lost her hand to—” Backslash stopped himself before he could say anything further, partly because Lapis gnashed her teeth in his direction.

Whitney was the one who responded calmly. Very _very_ calmly[2]. “I know you’re concerned, Backslash. Cupid told me the gist of what happened to his partner the other day, and the Sunflower told _me_ of your disgraceful conduct toward her while we were all recovering from last summer’s Body Swap Incident. Throwing her out of _her own RC_ was a disgusting and infuriating gesture that I would’ve immediately vetoed had I been there. And I must confess that I can’t let Lapis bail on us, either, because like Cupid said, she’s the only person who can help us right now. I think it would be best for all of us to talk it over and try to settle the matter before it escalates even further.”

“See? She gets it!” said Cupid.

Lapis hesitated, and then she sighed, gritting her six rows of teeth. “ _Fine._ I’ll come. But for the love of Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina combined, I am _not_ speaking with your partner until he delivers his apologies to me personally, sincerely, and with the assurance that he won’t ever say anything again that’ll make me want to bite off his saggy little—”

“ _SHUT UP!!!_ ” Whitney shouted.

Lapis had to resist the urge to leap onto Cupid’s head, and Backslash, who had finally managed to free himself from the closet pile, actually stepped away from his partner, his face as white as chalk.

“Listen here, you little _shithead_ ,” Whitney growled, striding up to Lapis and towering over her. “Your argument with my partner has completely spoiled whatever mood I had prior to receiving this badfic, and I am in no way happy with _any_ part of the entire fiasco that is your personal Cold War. I don’t condone his behavior in the least, sure, but your escalation of this matter is a potential workplace hazard that I will point-blank refuse to tolerate. I would _kindly_ suggest that both you and my partner think very carefully about your-slash-his actions in this and any future instance of interacting with each other, because if your conflict ends up compromising this mission, I will _personally_ partake in meting out the consequences that will befall you two because of it. _Do I make myself clear?_ ”

If Lapis had had some way of knowing Acid Armor, she would’ve used it right now. “Y-yes,” she replied.

Whitney sighed. “I’m sorry that I have to yell, but this has been going on for far too long, and I need to put my foot down. I hope that in the mission proper, we can resolve the entire mess in a more peaceful fashion than provoking me into using force. Enough with that, though. Disguises?”

“Just generic _Bayonetta_ -style angels,” said Backslash, his voice still trembling. “I’m good with whatever, though we may have to bring a D.O.R.K.S. with us, just in case.”

“That would be a good idea,” replied Cupid.

Whitney dialed the disguises and portal coordinates, before aiming one last glare at the rest of them. “Hop in. And remember, I’ve got my eye on all of you. Please don’t ruin this any more than you already have.”

 

********************

 

**Act One**

Soundtrack:

  * [_Bayonetta_ OST — “Riders Of The Light”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GZOu9L-gX0)
  * [_Bleach_ _Movie 3: Fade To Black_ OST — “Stand Up Be Strong”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZSp8CJLZg8)



 

“Heyyyyy, check it out! I finally have a halo!” said Cupid. “I also don’t have any arms or legs. Or even a body! Aaaaaah!”

“What can I say?” asked Backslash, shrugging. “The angels in _Bayonetta_ look so different from the ones where you’re from that I can’t really fault your opinion on being one of them.”

“Is that why your partner’s like, twice as big as the rest of us put together?” asked Lapis. “Or why I’ve got these giant fin-wings sticking out of my back? What _are_ we, anyway?!”

“I’m a type-A Applaud,” said Whitney (who was around nine feet tall, actually), lightly stamping at the Generic Ground with one of her taloned feet as a warning. “Cupid’s a Decoration, Backslash an Ardor, and Lapis a Harmony. If it has to come to it, though, we may have to change disguises once we cross over to the other world.”

“Those names… don’t sound at _all_ like whatever in Arceus’ name we are right now,” said Lapis. “I’ll say this, though: Even in the folklore they were originally described in, angels are _weird_.”

“I’m kinda glad the angels in my home continuum look like kids with wings and togas,” said Cupid. “Imagine what it’d be like to be a flaming wheel with eyes. Because that totally makes sense, right?”

“You’re a flying _head_ , and your partner looks like a bloody _Solidum Telethia_ ,” said Backslash. “I wouldn’t be surprised if eye-wheels were a thing, too.”

“They actually are, at least in the first game!” Cupid paused, listening. “Say, is it getting windy out here, or is it just me?”

Sure enough, the fic had started already, with Bayonetta conversing with Enzo, the two having been **given a ride back home** , but the agents could barely hear their dialogue. Aside from the noise of the vehicle, a mighty windstorm with strange P-shaped symbols was blowing high overhead.

“Apropos of _the obvious_ ,” said Lapis, shivering a little, “is Enzo, whoever he is, supposed to be hated by the fandom of this _Bayonetta_ game? Because if so, at least the fic was upfront when it said he’d be bashed like a piñata.”

“He’s the obligatory unlucky comic relief character, being the human representative of Bayo and Jeanne. I’m pretty sure that’s a no-brainer,” said Backslash. “Oh, _bollocks_ , we have to hide! Dunno about you, but I’d hate to be a victim of a supernatural drive-by!”

Before the agents could make a move, however, the world shifted around them, and the wind of ¶-symbols temporarily abated. They picked themselves off the ground to find themselves in a generic town setting similar to the environment of the game, apparently described as **Not too far away** from where Bayonetta and Enzo had been. Ahead of them, a group of Generic Beasts was duking it out with a flock of Random Angels, which naturally intrigued the agents.

“Are those new monsters from the _Bleach_ continuum?” asked Whitney.

“They’re Hollows,” replied Lapis. “Basically, they’re departed human souls who don’t cross over to Soul Society, the afterlife in the _Bleach_ universe, and stay in the Human World for too long. They become corrupt spirits with supernatural powers, and spend the eternity devouring souls, dead or alive.”

“Sounds like they’d make excellent party guests,” said Backslash.

Lapis gave him a nasty look, but said nothing.

The ¶-symbol wind began raging again, and in the meantime, the Hollows managed to defeat the relatively weak angels, but then they sensed another presence. This was **the one that Azien Created Salvador Rakzin the prototype Hybrid that betrayed his maker.**

“Azien?” asked Cupid, tilting his entire body curiously.

Lapis facepalmed, or rather, face- _clawed_. “That would be Sōsuke _Aizen_ ,” she groaned. “Former captain of the Fifth Division in the Gotei 13, the most elite departments of Shinigami. Bad. Very bad. Betrayed the Shinigami captains, served as main antagonist for a good chunk of the manga…”

“I’m not so worried about this Aizen bloke,” said Backslash. “What the _bollocks_ is this Sallydoo Razzlefart bastard a hybrid _of?!_ ”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” replied Whitney, taking out her notepad and pen. Just in case.

Then a dog-sized creature appeared next to the group, floating in mid-air. It had a white skull-like mask, two parts to its gray body, and a hood-like mantle around its neck. Its tongue lolled out of its mouth like a slimy length of rope.

Lapis took one look at the creature, let out an almost inhuman noise of affection, and immediately started hugging it.

“Is that a _Bleach_ mini?” asked Cupid.

“A mini-Menos Grande, actually! It’s normally a very powerful class of Hollow, and this one specifically was based off the one that ambushed Uryu Ishida in Episode 110 of the anime, but this one is pint-sized and SOOOO ADORABLE!”

As if to prove her point, Azien licked her face with its looooooong tongue.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Cupid replied with an uncomfortable chuckle. “Quick question, by the way, is the Stu being a creation of Aizen a charge?”

Lapis shook her head. “Pretty much every Arrancar is a Shinigami/Hollow hybrid, so I’m willing to bet the Stu would be one of those. We also have the Visored, his failed creations, which could work just as well. I don’t recall any of the Arrancar turning against Aizen, though.”

“How would we know if the Stu is one of these… Arrancar?” asked Whitney.

“Easy.” Lapis held up the mini and pointed at the big black hole in its midsection. “Just look for one of these.”

Cupid was about to respond when another scene shift sent everyone sprawling. The group was now back on the roadside, **Back with Bayonetta, Rodin, And the fat pig**.

“Yep, the fic’s bashing Enzo alright,” said Cupid. He cursed in Greek before adding, “The only one who’s insulted him in canon is Rodin.”

“Who’s Rodin, anyway?” asked Lapis. “Some kind of sculptor?”

“You’re actually pretty close!” replied Cupid. “He’s a renowned demon weaponsmith and a friend of Bayo, as well as the guy who made those guns of hers: Scarborough Fair, from the first game, and Love Is Blue, from the second.”

 **Then out of nowhere Bayonetta stomped down the brakes which cause Rodin to see a massive expulsion** (read: a deafening, window-rattling fart noise) **go off and from where it was something was headed there way.**

Everyone stepped or floated away from each other.

“Just so you know, that wasn’t me,” said Cupid.

“Pfff, no matter how much Bleeport you down in one sitting, even you wouldn’t be able to pop one _that_ loud,” replied Lapis.

“The power of typos, everyone!” said Whitney. “And how did Rodin _see_ a noise, anyway?”

And then the words **(Play Shrio Sagisu Standup be strong)** smashed into Cupid’s face.

As the dramatic music started to play, Lapis shrieked and face-hugged her partner, trying to find any sign of injury. Backslash began banging his head against the nearest wall, while Whitney, with a disappointed sigh, simply wrote a charge for poor formatting in her notepad.

“Wow. Just… _wow_ ,” said Cupid, regretting that he had no hands to rub his forehead with.

“I don’t care how cool that music is supposed to be!” Backslash nursed _his_ forehead. “That way of introducing it inline is just Not Cool in every capacity!”

“I’d have gone for putting in a footnote linking to the song instead.” Whitney rubbed a taloned finger over her face. “That way it doesn’t kill the moment.”

“The moment was dead as soon as Salvador showed up!” Lapis climbed off of her partner and aimed two middle finger gestures at the Stu, who was now talking with the _Bayonetta_ canons. “Look, that isn’t even a dramatic action sequence!”

 

> **"We are not sure but it looks like he took a hit head on by the look of the smoke come of his body." Rodin said and then looked to the right and saw three swords one that look like a katana with the handle red, gray, and the guard is black the other two are the swords are wrapped in chains that look rust red and a massive butcher knife then all of the sudden the man that was down got up but what they saw was a mask of a human faced dragon with red scares** (read: tiny red Pac-Man ghosts) **on it.**

 

“Um, you were saying?” asked Backslash.

Lapis responded by aiming a swipe at him, which unfortunately was spotted by Whitney (who had chosen this precise moment to turn and look at them).

“Try and touch my partner like that again, and it won’t be just a hand you’ll be missing,” she growled.

Lapis let out an “EEP” of terror and scrambled to hide behind Cupid, daring not to look the trainer in the eye. “Sorry! OhdearPalkiaCupidpleasehidemethiswomanisscary—”

“I know, right?” Cupid replied, obliging with a feathered wing.

The paragraph wind did not relent at all while the Stu revealed his weapon: **what looked like a had been somewhat used with blade edge fire red the upper half is the same as the chain but with brown in the mix and the looks of it the swords are so heavy that they left an impression on the ground and he lifted them with eases leaving a speechless Bayonetta, Rodin and still stunned fat pig Enzo** along with four dumbstruck agents.

“Okay, I know Bleach is pretty well-known for Impossibly Cool Weapons™,” said Lapis, “but I… just… What in Arceus’ name am I seeing?! The lack of punctuation is making it look like a whole bunch of knives and chains all smooshed together!”

Whitney took a jar of punctuation out of her bag and opened it, letting some periods and commas float into the wind. “I can’t risk another Word Cyclone like in that one _Tomb Raider_ mission[3],” she muttered.

“Wait, you saw a Word Cyclone?!” Cupid’s eyes were huge. “The nastiest SPaG-induced weather we’ve encountered would have to be a paragraph wind like the one we’ve got here!” He waved a wing up at the ¶-symbols blowing all around them. “I wonder why it wasn’t noted in the mission report…”

“Maybe it was because we were too preoccupied with that God-Mode Stu to notice it,” replied Lapis.

“The one who bit your hand off?” asked Backslash.

“ _You_ weren’t supposed to say anything!” Lapis glared at him. “Not after last time.”

“We _already_ went over this, Lapis,” said Whitney. “The less said about it, the better.”

“But he owes me an a—”

“Did. You. _Hear me?_ ”

One look into her piercing death gaze told the younger girl that Whitney meant business. She hid behind Cupid again and nodded fervently.

The Stu, meanwhile, took down the remaining Hollows with his strange mish-mashed weapon. The battle over, he promptly went with the canons to **the gates of hell bar in Karkura town.**

Another mini-Menos Grande popped up next to the agents, but this time, Lapis didn’t squee. “Two minis in the _first chapter?_ This is already looking bad for the Stu.”

“Not to mention that crazy weapon, _and_ the unnatural ease with which he took down all those Hollows!” added Cupid. “Look, even _Bayo_ is speechless over it!”

“Bayonetta _never_ gets really surprised, not even during massive plot twists,” said Backslash. “Whenever the Cardinal Virtues are rambling about the plot, she just wants them to stop. Bloody. Talking.” He paused, smirking. “And she usually pulls it off by hurling shit at them, other angels included.”

“That’s definitely a charge, then,” replied Whitney, cracking her knuckles. “I know I’m supposed to be jealous of Bayonetta, especially given that she’s basically stolen the spotlight from my canon counterpart as the ‘unexpected female fighter’, but this is just too much, even for her.”

“Wait, Bayo’s in Smash now?” asked Lapis.

“Yeah, you should’ve seen the Nintendo Direct just this evening!” replied Cupid. “She won’t be available as DLC for a while, but we now know who won the Smash Ballot.”

“So much for Shrek being in Smash…” The tone of Lapis’ voice was clearly teasing, because it earned her a death glare from a certain disguised Honedge.

Then the agents heard the world’s tiniest roar. Cupid looked around, and it was _his_ turn to squee. A two-headed dragon the size of a German Shepherd, with feathery wings and an upside-down human face on its chest, had swooped down to greet them. Holy sparks shot from its mouths as they snapped at each other.

“Hello there, **Scabbard Fair**!” cried Cupid, flapping over to greet the creature. “Who’s a good miniboss? _Poios eínai éna kaló agóri?_ You are, yes you are, _nai eísai_!”

“A mini-Fortitudo?” asked Whitney. “Well, this is new.”

“Mm-hmmm.” Backslash scratched his chin in a manner not unlike Canon!Shulk. “I can see the significance of Fortitudo being the basis for the _Bayonetta_ continuum’s official mini. He’s the General of Father Balder, the Cardinal Virtue of Fortitude, the first Auditio to be encountered and fought in a boss chapter, and the only one to be fought outside a boss arena, in no particular order. So yeah, this is indeed a _mini_ miniboss,” he added with a chuckle.

“Can we have a moment of silence for the SPaG of this fic, then?” asked Lapis. “I swear, if we end up being dogpiled by a horde of minis once this is over…”

Then another scene shift sent the agents sprawling yet again, followed by yet a _third_ mini-Menos Grande, **uraharas** , dropping onto Backslash’s head.

“GYAAAAAH! GET IT OFF!!” he cried, trying to wrench off the mini whose tongue was wrapped around his face.

Before Lapis could swat the mini off his head, Whitney gave her a warning glare, and calmly plucked it off. “Should we send these to the Adoption Agency?” she asked.

“Yeah, this is already too many minis for comfort,” replied Cupid, the mini-Fortitudo still clinging to his head with its talons. “I get the feeling Lapis wants at least one, though. And of course, I call dibs on Scabbard Fair!”

Whitney nodded, opening a portal. “I know a certain Floater who’d like one of these, though. I guess I can talk to him when we’re done.”

“Sounds good!”

Then Lapis gasped. “Legendaries, we need to change our disguises!”

“Wait, what?!” cried Backslash.

“We’re in Soul Society. Gimme the D.O.R.K.S., you twat!”

He beaned her upside the head with it, which would’ve earned him a slap in the face had Whitney not been present. As it was, Whitney herself conked him on the back of the head for his trouble.

A couple of sci-fi noises and a flash of light later, the agents, now looking like anime-style corrupted souls with holes in their chests, hid outside Urahara’s shop. They watched while the Stu struck up a chat with the shopkeeper, with yet another mini-Menos Grande, **gaito 13** , making an appearance.

“What in the Bionis’ name are these people saying?!” snarled Backslash. “It’s like they’re talking over each other, and on top of that, we can’t even hear them over all this wind!”

“That’s either of two effects of not separating your lines,” replied Whitney, at the same time sending the mini to the Adoption Agency. “I’m now reminded of that _Tomb Raider_ mission again, and how it did more or less the same thing.”

“Can we just skip the rest of this chapter, then?” asked Cupid. “I can’t understand half of it, and anyway I don’t think there’s much after this anyway.”

Lapis grumbled wordlessly, which sounded like animal noises at the moment, but the others could tell she agreed with her partner.

“Uh, since you know _Bleach_ better than we do,” said Backslash, “maybe you should point the way for us. I know you don’t want to be here, but—”

“And I wouldn’t be here if my idiot partner didn’t drag me in!” Lapis pulled out the RA she and Cupid had brought. “As it is, though, it’s not like I have a choice. Alright, follow my lead, and stay out of my way.”

Whitney glared in her direction, but decided to say nothing while the portal opened up.

Skipping past the Author’s Notes, the agents found themselves back in the town that the canons and the Stu had been in earlier. While they struggled to switch back to their angel disguises, the scene formed into an airport of some kind, which had been repurposed as his home base.

“Um.” Lapis looked around, already feeling uneasy. “What has this Stu been doing in his spare time?”

“From the looks of the Words, pulling a _lot_ of strings,” replied Whitney. “I don’t know how he was able to afford all of this, or obtain it without running into legislative issues, but you’d think having your own private airport, in the mortal universe, in a _wholly separate continuum_ , would present too many legal _and_ temporal issues for the fic to simply ignore.”

“Yeah, a character from one continuum having already established themselves in another universe prior to the story is usually charge-worthy,” said Cupid. “Especially if there’s no sensible explanation. Like that one _Percy Jackson_ Sue that Violet, Rashida and I took on like what, two weeks ago?”

“Yeah, you told me about that,” replied Lapis. “She and Not!Percy had fled to Skyworld when they could’ve spent their time trying to find out the truth in their own place. No dimension hopping required!”

“So why has this Stu set up camp here in the _Bayonetta_ universe? That Social Sophie place would’ve worked just fine!”

“To say that Soul Society has a pretty harsh view on Arrancar or anything to do with Aizen would be an _understatement_ ,” replied Lapis, snuggling her mini-Menos Grande. “It’s possible that this Stu had to find somewhere else to stay, though again, he could simply live in a different location in his own continuum without having to migrate to a new one.”

“Hold up, what’s this about **Vigrad**?” asked Whitney. “The chapter said that this was a new location, but I’m just not sure.”

“Wait, so it isn’t some kind of drug to counteract—” Cupid began, but Lapis whacked him upside the head before he could finish, startling the mini-Fortitudo (who was sitting on top of his new owner).

“I don’t remember hearing that name _anywhere_ in the _Bleach_ series,” she said, drowning out his mutterings of protest. “And the fic apparently spells it as **Vigraid** on multiple occasions, but I don’t care. This is most likely a location created by the Suethor for the sake of plot.”

“Should we call DOGA to have the place burned down, or leave it be to assimilate once we kill the Stu?” asked Backslash.

Whitney shrugged. “That depends on how well it meshes with either of the two continua. Or whichever it’s placed in.”

“It doesn’t sound to me like it corresponds to _any_ of them, though,” said Cupid. “I’d say it’s like a weird fusion of both, like the two of them are bleeding into each other.”

“Hold up, Drunky,” said Backslash. “Are you _sure_ that mini-Fortitudo is Scabbard Fair? I think I remember something along the lines of that spelling in the first _Bayonetta_ game.”

He picked up the mini and examined it carefully. Sure enough, its tail looked oddly stiff and stuck up at a weird angle. When he looked back at Cupid, yet another mini-Fortitudo, this one with a bandit’s mask pattern over its human chest-face, was perched on his head.

The two male agents looked at each other, and then both of them facepalmed (or face-winged, in Cupid’s case).

“Oh, _Vigrid!_ ” cried Cupid. “The city where the first game takes place! How could we have missed that?!”

“Graaah, yet another way in which this fic is totally unreadable!” Backslash added. “Well, at least we have two tiny angel dragons to give to someone else if they want any.”

“I know a guy who would certainly want at least one.” Whitney opened a portal to the Adoption Agency and sent the stiff-tailed mini through. “Anyway, aside from the obvious misspelling, how could the Stu establish the airport of Vigrid as _his_ home base? As I’m pretty sure we discussed earlier, that would require getting around a _lot_ of red tape.”

“The Vigrid Air Force Base, actually,” said Backslash.

“But Vigrid doesn’t have any political leadership to speak of,” replied Cupid. “Just the one leader, Father Balder, who… Well, I won’t spoil the rest unless the fic does, okay? It’s better that way.”

“Whatever you say, Angel Face,” replied Lapis. “Do we start skipping now? This stuff is really starting to get tiring.”

“We need to find good places to gather major charges, though,” replied Whitney. “Which will be tough, especially given all of this paragraph-wind making it hard to concentrate.”

“I think we’ll have to find the next scene shift and work from there.” Backslash glanced towards Bayonetta, who had taken a Stu-sponsored flight to Vigrid (she’d dozed off on the plane and then heard a voice in her head) and was heading into the city. “As long as we keep one step behind the Stu, no more and no less, we should be good.”

“But one step may be a step too close,” replied Lapis. “I learned that the hard way. And don’t you _dare_ put me down for it like _last_ time!”

“I wasn’t gonna say anything.”

Whitney opened a portal to where the Stu was, and everyone filed through. As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the Stu was keeping watch topside, as Bayonetta had gone into the catacombs of the city to take care of an errand for him.

This left the Stu to confront a group of angels, and when they asked him what he was up to, he stated that he was looking for, in his words, a traitor and his cronies — presumably Aizen and his cohorts. The angels didn’t believe him, and decided to kill him.

As they got close, **they swung at Salvador but when they hit him the weapons bounced of him as if his skin is made out of steel. "Steel skin it is use full for things like this but now get out of my way." He said then went to slice all three with one swing at them and the same happened they were corpses then halos came out and burst into a golden light.**

The agents stared at the Stu, their eyes almost bulging out of their heads.

“Steel… shouldn’t… angels… cut through…” Cupid looked at his own wings, as though expecting his feathers to suddenly sport sharp edges.

Backslash cringed. “Drunky’s right! Angels are supposed to be creatures of divine power, and mortal materials shouldn’t be a match for them!”

“Steel-hard skin actually _is_ a thing with Arrancar, though,” replied Lapis, who momentarily forgot to glare at him in her surprise. “It’s called _Hierro_ , a defensive technique that can even block a _Zanpakutō_ — a Shinigami’s main weapon.”

“But it’s not supposed to work with angels, _especially_ not from another continuum! What even _is_ this Stu? I just can’t make sense of him anymore!” Backslash started to sob, burying his face in his hands.

“Um, Backslash? What’s the matter?” asked Whitney.

“ _Everything_ , Whitney. _Everything_ is matter! …except energy, of course.”

Lapis couldn’t help but let out a quiet _snrk._

“Yeah, but what _kind_ of energy?” Cupid asked innocently. “You can’t just mash two magical forces from different continua and expect them to mesh together consistently!”

“You ruined the joke, Drunky,” replied Backslash. “And angels don’t use magic anyway, they just whack you all over the place with the Armaments of Heaven. Except when they use their laser-blasting tubas. Okay, there’s at least _some_ magic there.”

“Ah, I forgot about those!”

“Enough about all that, though.” Lapis pointed at the Stu. “Where did that mask of his come from? I thought ‘Kurosaki-kun’ was the one who did the full mask thing in canon.”

“Kurosaki-kun?” asked Whitney.

“Ichigo Kurosaki, the protagonist of the manga and the anime. And more importantly, he’s a _Visored_. All nine of them, himself included, can create full masks. The Arrancar, by contrast, have only fragments of masks. They were originally Hollows who cracked their masks and turned them into raw power, so the more of their face is exposed, the stronger they are.”

“I don’t even know half of what you just said,” replied Cupid, “but okay then!”

“There’s a flashback sequence coming up,” said Backslash. “We should cut to that and keep track of the Stu, since aside from the implied romance between him and Bayonetta, she’s not that out of character.”

“ _Good_ ,” replied Whitney, opening a portal. “After you, everyone.”

Unfortunately, the paragraph wind was still there, even 300 years in the past (as indicated by the words **Xxx flash back 300 years ago xxx** whizzing over the agents’ heads ). The fic apparently described the 10th Division moving **the oin**.

“That would be the Ōin, a key-type thing from the non-canon _Diamond Dust Rebellion_ movie that controls the universe, and a very valuable item that the Gotei 13 gave everything to protect,” explained Lapis.

A brief conversation between Salvador and his captain (who was soon defined as Isshin — “Ichigo’s father!” cried Lapis) told the agents that the Stu didn’t want the rest of the Gotei 13 to fear him.

This was followed, inexplicably, by a group of angels attacking.

“Whoa whoa, _whaaaat?!_ ” cried Backslash. “ _How_ in the Bionis would the angels have found their way into this other continuum _300 years ago_?!”

“Easy,” replied Lapis. “Because it’s more dramatic than, oh, using a bunch of Hollows! Though I’m pretty sure the Gotei 13 wouldn’t have had too much trouble taking down a bunch of _those_.”

This was followed by a scream of pain from the Stu, who had taken a piece of wood to the eye when the angels destroyed the cart transporting the Ōin. Then two more mini-Menos Grandes, **masamoyto** and **Hitsogaya** , showed up — and were promptly portaled to the Adoption Agency.

“Geez, is this fic even remotely good at spelling _anything_?” asked Lapis.

“Maybe it’s because anime names are so complicated to spell,” replied Cupid.

“Says the guy who’s only just starting to learn to read.”

“I know, but still!”

“On the flipside,” said Whitney, “at least we now have a possible means of disposing of the Stu. Are Arrancar weak to Hollows, Lapis?”

“They’re actually part-Hollow.” If Lapis could smile, she would’ve. “With this many minis, though, I don’t see why not!”

As if to prove her point, two more mini-Menos Grandes, **Reushi** and **Banki** , appeared next to her.

“Let’s just get to the next chapter,” said Whitney, opening a portal. “Ten minis in just two chapters. Looks like we’re going at a good pace.”

“I’ll say!” Backslash shuddered a little. “Ten minis is ten too many!”

“For once, I have to agree with you,” replied Lapis.

 

********************

 

**Act Two**

Soundtrack:

  * [_Bayonetta_ OST — “Blood and Darkness”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn8-by_PM1o)
  * [Thousand Foot Krutch —  “E For Extinction”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9GEPqBssVk)



 

Skipping past another Author’s Note, the agents decided to portal to the next part where the Stu showed up. This was in a random cafe in the middle of the city, whereupon he was caught by a few security guards who asked what he was doing.

**"We are wondering if you see a man who goes by the name of Luka Redgrave." One of them asked.**

“Luka? Don’t you mean—” began Lapis.

“No, Luka with a K,” replied Backslash. “He’s a journalist who’s obsessed with Bayo and wants to bring down her reputation, because he thought she killed his dad.”

“I’m guessing that wasn’t actually the case?” asked Whitney.

“Regardless, I think this Luka is the least of our problems,” said Lapis, pointing at the scene in front of them. “I have the strangest feeling that this Stu has been trying to integrate these two continua together as though they were one and the same.”

“In what sense?”

“Weren’t the angels attacking the Stu and the Gotei 13 in the flashback enough of an indicator?!”

“Oh.”

At that moment, two more mini-Fortitudos, **is la del sol** and **ilvthion tower** , swooped down upon the agents — specifically, upon Backslash, who yelled and tried to beat them off. That was until ilvthion tower blasted him in the face with holy fire, leaving him with a mask of soot.

“Okay, first of all, it’s the Ithavoll _Building_ ,” said Backslash, wiping the ashes from his head plate. “And second, that building is a _part of_ Isla del Sol, but not the _entire bloody facility!_ ”

The Stu, meanwhile, was now engaged in a phone conversation with Urahara. Said conversation revealed that there “ **there is angel the guards that place and a bount there too he seems to have a large amount of rishi around him** ”, resulting in another mini-Menos Grande being promptly sent to the Adoption Agency.

“Oh for _Arceus’ sake,_ ” Lapis snarled. “CAN’T THIS FIC SPELL ANYTHING RIGHT?!”

“Did it spell that bound thing right, too?” asked Whitney. “Why didn’t it result in a mini?”

“The _Bounts_ , which is how they’re spelled, are humans who subsist on souls in the _Bleach_ canon,” Lapis replied. “All that word really needed was a capital letter. But… BUT… THE STUPID TERMINOLOGY JUST KEEPS GETTING SUBJECT TO HORRIBLE LANGUAGE BUTCHERING!”

“Not to mention _massive_ time dilation and time stream defilement!” Backslash clutched his head. “This isn’t a fic anymore, this is _torture!_ ”

“ _In the aaaaaarms of an angel,_ ” Cupid sang, “ _far awaaaaaay from here…_ ”

“NOT HELPING!” Lapis and Backslash cried simultaneously.

“ _Every year, thousands of agents and minis alike are subjected to abuse by badfics around the world…_ ” said Whitney, in a tone rather like a commercial narrator for the Humane Society.

Backslash and Lapis bumped their heads against each other, covered their ears, and screamed simultaneously. (Thankfully, they were far enough from the Stu that the paragraph wind drowned it out quite well.)

Once Cupid and Whitney had managed to stop laughing and regain the ability to speak coherently, the trainer decided to open a portal.

“I think skipping the parts with Bayonetta would save us time,” said Whitney. “As far as I’m aware, she hasn’t been Suefluenced _too_ much, thank goodness.”

“What about her flirting with the Stu?” asked Cupid.

“She flirts with everyone,” replied Backslash. “Not unlike _someone_ I know, come to think of it. Is that why you like her so much despite her being an angel killer?”

“N-no, it’s not like that! I just find her sexy, that’s all, nothing that personal!”

“Admit it, Pitty-Pat. You knoooow you love her…” Backslash would’ve wiggled his eyebrows — if he had any.

“Get away from my partner, you _clod!_ ” Lapis darted in between the two males, sparks of electricity dancing across her body.

“Whoa, whoa, _whoa!_ Lapis, you can’t just butt in like that!” Cupid looked rightly annoyed.

“Why are you two even friends, anyway?!” Lapis looked positively livid. “You _saw_ how he talked to me. You were _right there_!”

Cupid gave her a perfect flat “What.”

“Whaddya _mean_ , ‘what’?! You were mere feet from him when he—”

“Yeah, but Sarah knocked me out right before that incident!” Cupid would’ve facepalmed if he could. “I missed pretty much all of it, and I wasn’t made aware of what happened until after the fact.”

“What _minet_ difference does it make?!”

Everyone stared at her.

“Wait, did I just hear what I thought I just heard?” asked Backslash. “Did you actually swear in—” he gasped dramatically. “—a _foreign language?!_ ”

Lapis glared at him again. “My partner curses in Greek, you ignorant _klris glookh_. And just so you guys know, my own deal with Armenian expletives didn’t start happening until my last appointment with Nurse Chan.”

“That makes… three people I know who swear in foreign languages, including myself,” said Cupid.

“Well, my middle name _is_ Armenus, after the World One equivalent of my mom’s birthplace. Is there a _Pokémon_ equivalent to Armenia, or the rest of the Middle East? If not, there should be.”

Whitney raised an eyebrow. “The rest of your name doesn’t exactly sound Middle Eastern, though.”

“My dad was born and raised in Unova. After my parents married, they moved to an uncanonical region, where I was born. We were really poor, so we ran a traveling circus with a few friends for a couple of years, until they left me with the cast of _Avatar: the Last Airbender_ (don’t ask) and set off on a trip to perform overseas.” Lapis bowed her head. “They never returned…”

“Wow,” said Backslash. “Did they really think — No. Sorry. I shouldn’t say that. They must’ve been so worried for your safety if they left you with other people while they went.”

“I wanted to go with my family, but they were scared that where they were going wouldn’t accept me.” Lapis sniffed a little. “I don’t know exactly how they died, though I’m pretty sure my home fic would’ve explored that if my author hadn’t tired of it after only twenty episodes…”

Cupid wrapped a wing around her. “Look on the bright side, though, Lapis! You now get to develop as a character! You can write your own story!”

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to change up someone else’s, though.” Whitney’s gaze sent a chill down everyone’s spines. “I don’t care whether your story is true or not — and believe me, I can accept that it’s authentic — but telling someone straight away who he or she should or shouldn’t be friends with before looking at the whole situation is extremely disrespectful, not to mention shortsighted. Seriously, is it too much for me to ask you to think like a supporting character for once?”

Lapis blinked at her. “Um, why?”

“If what you’re saying is true, then you were probably one of Ash’s traveling companions throughout your homefic. And what are Ash’s companions? _Supporting characters_. They got their own episodes in the spotlight, sure, but like it or not, the anime was and is _Ash’s story_ , first and foremost. Have you ever thought about that?”

Lapis looked away. “Uh…”

“You know what, hold that thought. We need to skip to Chapter Four. The rest of this one is just more boring fighting, so we’d best move on before the paragraph windstorm strands us in the middle of who-knows-where. Portal?”

The others nodded. Without another word, Whitney led them to the next chapter.

Moving on through the depths of the city, the canon and the Stu, with the agents in tow, **found a hole that leads to a giant cave that seem to have the remains of an old city. "This is weird why does this cave have remains of an old city down here?" Bayonetta sked him.**

Whitney shook her head rapidly. “Wait. Isn’t Bayonetta supposed to respond to just about anything with a witty remark? You know, like she did in her Smash reveal trailer?”

“Oh, _bollocks._ ” Backslash rubbed his temple. “We’ve been so obsessed with chasing after the Stu that we’ve forgotten to check how Bayonetta is as a character!”

“Wait, I thought she was supposed to be flirty, playful, oozing with both sex appeal and sarcasm, and not very patient with jabbering angels like me[4],” said Cupid. “Did we miss something?”

“I don’t think we missed that much, actually,” replied Lapis. “If what you’ve been saying still applies, she could simply be Suefluenced, because otherwise she seems as competent as you say she is in canon.”

“A fair point,” replied Whitney. “Let’s just keep following the Stu and seeing how he handles himself.”

They portaled to the next scene with the Stu, who was waiting for Bayonetta while she was once again exploring. **As Salvador started waiting he started to talk with his hollow spirit named Destruction.** **_" So Salvador are you going to tell her how you feel cause when you are close to her the place is well lit and much more lovely."_** **She said to her partner as he was standing.**

Lapis’ eyes widened. “Oh, you did not. You. Did. _Not!_ ”

Cupid shrieked in pain. He’d been floating a little too close to his partner, who had begun sparking with electricity again when she nearly shouted the last word.

Backslash made a sniffing noise. “What’s that? Is someone cooking spicy angel wings with extra salt?”

Cupid, covered in soot and less than amused, promptly smacked him in the back of the head with his wing.

Lapis, none the wiser, continued her rant. “Arrancar do _not_ have inner Hollow spirits, you Hurricane-farting _eshi klir_! Why? Because they _are_ Hollows! The only derivations of human souls and/or Hollows known to have inner Hollow spirits are the _Visored_ , and as I _distinctly_ recall from way back in Chapter 2, you said you were a hybrid _Arrancar_! Shinigami plus Hollow powers equals Visored. Hollow plus Shinigami powers equals Arrancar! How hard is it for you to do your research and recognize the difference, you _peraned kaknem SHAN TULA?!_ ”

“Lapis, shhhhh!” Cupid immediately covered her face with his wings. “Do you want him to _hear you?!_ ”

Lapis wrenched him off of her, pushed him aside, and started banging her head against the nearest wall. If Whitney weren’t scribbling the charge down in her notepad, she’d have done the double facepalm to end all double facepalms.

“Okay, that does it, we’re killing him now,” said Backslash. “I mean, if this is only gonna make Lapis even madder, why not take him out while we’ve got the chance?”

“Oh, so you _are_ sympathizing,” Lapis growled. “Congrats, you get a gold star! Agent of the Year!”

Backslash ignored her. “I don’t think seducing Bayonetta is the main issue Sallydoo’s got here. He doesn’t even do that as far as I know. What’s _really_ worrying is the fact that this cack-sack gets _so_ many bloody things wrong about _both_ continua he’s bringing together!”

“Yeah, I think it wouldn’t take long for us to get Bayonetta to see sense,” replied Cupid.

Whitney stood up a little straighter. “Could you repeat that?”

“Huh?” The angel looked at her, confused. “I said it wouldn’t take long for us to get Bayonetta to see sense. Is there a problem with that?”

“Hmmm. Just a thought,” replied Whitney. “Anyway, shall we keep going?”

“Please don’t—” Lapis began, but she never got to finish. The words **Salvador vs Yoshi (Begin playing the infection second part E foe extinction)** made an unscheduled appointment with the side of her head.

“LAPIS!” Cupid cried, rushing over to his downed partner.

Backslash had to sit down. “What did Yoshi do to deserve this?!”

“My guess is that the fic is referring to one of the minibosses and not the Mario canon,” replied Whitney. “But the author didn’t know what it was called, so they just thought of a name on the spot.”

“Actually, I think I’ve heard that name in the _Bleach_ canon before,” said Lapis, rubbing her head. “Only one way to find out if it’s really her, though. Lead the way, you three.”

While the agents watched, **As the two reappeared at the rim of the coliseum arena which wads t not the far because right where Bayonetta was fighting the angel guardian rock and rubble fly their way. "Man they fight seriously I can hardly keep a…"** said a new character (a **bout** , according to the Words, which resulted in yet another mini-Menos Grande appearing) before he got **kid in the face** by the Stu.

“Sweet merciful Bionis,” Backslash muttered, watching the child collapse to the ground, crying.

Whitney was already rambling off a strategy. “We get the kid to Medical first, then we take this ‘bout’ out of the picture. Then the Stu is ours.”

“Enough charges, I take it?” asked Backslash.

“Nope,” replied Lapis. “Not by a long shot. We still need to see how this Stu fights someone from his home continuum.”

Since the Stu was distracted by the battle with the Bount, it was easy for Cupid to sneak in and get the random kid to grab him by the wing. Once he’d dragged the kid to safety, he neuralyzed him and sent him away to a random town, before rushing back to join the others.

With that, the four of them sat down and simultaneously regretted that nobody had brought any popcorn. The Stu summoned his **Banki** (causing the mini to reappear again), resulting in him gaining **two chained short swords and golden arm brace that is on the upper part showing a ram like face the hit changed to that of a weird looking monster with the eyes glowing and the teeth are jagged and sharp the chains are warped tightly looking around the arms his jacket looked worse the wear and the mask was replaced giving the whole 'I am your worst nightmare' vide.**

“Okay. Um. What.” Lapis planted both palms against her forehead. “This is just… I can’t even make sense of it all! There’s a _reason_ that ‘Show, don’t tell’ is an old saying.”

“And he’s addressing the guy as **Yoshi** ,” said Cupid. “Should we be worried?”

Lapis looked at him helplessly. “In the _Bleach_ canon, the Bounts were an anime-only enemy faction which were essentially artificially created Dementors. Well, they looked human, but they consumed human souls for sustenance. There _is_ a Bount named Yoshi, come to think of it!”

“So, should we help him, then?” asked Whitney.

“Probably not this time. Canon!Yoshi is — _OW!!_ ”

Yet again, the poor girl had gotten hit in the head by flying text. **With Bayonetta vs The Angel Guardian (Play angel of darkness second part angel with a shot gun)**

“What’s with unmarked Author’s Notes and your heads?!” said Backslash, reaching over to try and pat the smaller girl. The sparks of electricity dancing over her again made him quickly change his mind.

“I’m _fine_ , you idiot! And I know just as much as you do on the subject! What’s this about an angel guardian, anyway?”

Cupid gasped. “Multiple heads and a single tail… That must be the canon Fortitudo! Maybe we can sit this part out if it happens like in canon.”

“There is literally _no_ mention of whatever the angels are called in canon, though,” replied Whitney. “Either the Sueuthor didn’t research those names well enough or just didn’t care. I can’t tell which, honestly.”

The fight was interrupted by the Bount being thrown in through a wall, **scaring them (If you forgot look at the fight Salvador vs Yoshi above.)** This marked the second time Cupid got beaned by an in-text Author’s Note.

“Hold up, _hoooold up_!” he cried. “Since when was Bayonetta scared of _anything?!_ ”

“More likely she was just startled,” Whitney replied. “A guy like _that_ being thrown through a wall would certainly break _my_ concentration.”

“But like I said earlier, you’d have to work _really hard_ to work her up,” added Backslash. “Needless to say, that would be more or less suicidal.”

“I was going to say that Canon!Yoshi is _female_ , though,” said Lapis. “Either we’ve got a replacement or the fic just drew from a hat full of canon names, all misspelled.”

The fight continued, almost as though someone had put the action on fast forward, until Bayonetta killed the still-unnamed Fortitudo. The agents agreed that despite the awful format, it wasn’t too inconsistent with canon.

Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said for the Stu versus the Bount in the next scene.

The agents were this time wise enough to duck just before **Back with Salvador in Banki state vs Yoshi in fused doll state form two starts** flew over their heads. **As the fight took to the sky's at the same time Bayonetta's did as they got in the air the three that can stay up and Bayonetta stood and a wall that is up in the air also." Well now let's get this over with ones and for all." Yoshi said the reaper/ Salvador as they looked at each other Yoshi attacked with the sword only to get parried and cut at his leg.** And then the Stu stated that he could counter Male!Yoshi’s movement.

“Okay,” said Lapis. “That’s excusable with enough training, since I assume Aizen taught his Arrancar well.”

But **as they kept up the fight Salvador went to use bow and arrow and fired at him with actual fire arrows and from time to time using Medusa's head to help to slowing him down with a few cuts on Salvador**

“ _That_ , on the other hand, is _not_.”

“New Powers as the Plot Demands aren’t a new thing in shonen anime, though,” replied Cupid. “Take it from a _Naruto_ fan!”

Finally, the bit character called the Stu “ **weak** ”, which incited the latter to an unholy rage. Cue one hapless Bount getting his arms and legs sliced off, and then having his head torn clear from his body. In full view of the agents.

Poor Backslash fainted right then and there.

“And _that_ ,” said Lapis, “is definitely _not_ excusable!”

“I need a drink,” Cupid whimpered.

Whitney punched her palm, making a mental note to portal everyone to the next chapter, _immediately._ “Not that I’d call it healthy, exactly, but don’t we all?”

 

********************

 

**Act Three**

Soundtrack:

  * [_Bayonetta_ OST — “One of a Kind”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKWgJNm9Mg0)
  * [_Bleach_ OST - “Sakkaku”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yeLINo-7H4)



 

When Backslash regained consciousness, he found himself cradled in Whitney’s massive arms. “Ugh… Remind me to look away next time anything like that happens,” he groaned, rubbing his eyes. “Now _I’m_ the one in need of Bleeprin! No, not Bleeport, I don’t wanna get drunk!”

“I still feel like something alcoholic,” muttered Cupid. “I just like the flavor better than plain Bleeprin.”

“Well, _I’ve_ handled Bleeprin just fine!” Lapis felt understandably sour. “You don’t _need_ synthetic alcohol to go with it, you just pop a pill and you should be good to go!”

Backslash had to agree with her for once. “What did I miss?”

“Not much,” replied Whitney. She set him down and then gave him a gentle pat on the head. “The Stu and Bayonetta are going about their usual angel-killing business, and they’re already fighting competently as a pair. It’s possible that they either previously knew each other or the Stu is just _that_ talented.”

“I just have to wonder what Bayonetta has to say about that,” said Cupid. And, sure enough…

 

> **"You show no mercy when you kill you remind me of someone does the same whenever he comes back he looks so tired to the point to I worry for his will being." She said with a hint of sadness as she said. "Instincts happen when I am fighting to live." He said as he sliced the angel that attacked him in half. "Ok it is just strange to see a reaper kill like a monster." She said to him which did not hurt him he has heard people call him that some much that he just ignores it.**

 

“That someone being like what, half the bosses in the _Bayonetta_ franchise?” said Cupid.

Lapis bristled a little. “Arrancar. Hollows. Not. Reaper. _WHAT?!_ ”

“I thought you said that previously,” said Whitney. “And seriously, can’t you learn how to calm down and take the high road for once?”

“I _wish_ I could, but he’s committed _so_ many canon errors that I can’t just sit around and do nothing while he keeps up with this nonsense! I just don’t know how to go about this without getting all of us killed…”

Backslash glared at her. “You’re not the one in charge, you know that?”

“But I’m the only one who knows _Bleach_ , and you all voted for me to come. I should at least be participating, aren’t I?”

“You _are_ participating,” said Cupid. “But the less you make this all about you, the better. Think about it. The Stu is in the _Bayonetta_ universe, and yet he’s making this fic center around him and his problems. Can’t he put the spotlight on Bayonetta for once?”

“There _are_ scenes with just Bayonetta,” replied Whitney. “But this harkens back to our earlier discussion. You need to think like a supporting character, and if you’re given the choice to let someone else take center stage, you probably should.”

Lapis muttered something about knowing what it was like to be a supporting character, but before the others could ask, they were forced to duck just before the words **With Salvador** flew over their heads.

Salvador then wandered off on his own, leading to a very confusing passage involving him calling someone to catch a “ **sinner** ” who had apparently escaped **hell** (yes, in lower-case). A few moments later, he went right back into combat, whereupon another mini-Menos Grande, **hallows** , spawned near the agents.

“HOW MANY MINIS IS THIS FIC GONNA PRODUCE?!” cried Lapis.

“Unless we kill this thing right now, way too many!” Backslash cracked his knuckles.

“We _need_ a point of entry, though. As long as the Stu is in combat he’ll attack anything in sight, especially us!”

“She has a point there,” said Whitney. “Remember when you went after that Luigi replacement while he was in the middle of beating up someone else’s character? We need to time our intervention right this time.”

“Wait, what happened with that Luigi replacement?” asked Cupid. “Did he try to throw you off the stage or something?”

“He tried to kill me,” replied Backslash. “To be fair, that was my very first mission and I hadn’t really gotten it in my head that I was supposed to be quick on the draw.”

Lapis shook her head. “That same haste was exactly why the mission where I lost my hand turned out the way it did. Why must you blame my lack of skill for that when you made the same mistake?”

“Can we _not?_ ” asked Cupid. “This is getting really old really fast. Where to next?”

 **_"Hey Salvador I think you should look in to the other spirit energy that is like you girlfriend and find out what is going on and also I think that you should find the sinner fast. "_ ** **Destruction said with a hint of teasing on the word girlfriend as he went on he found her getting close to an open spot to tell her what he found out.**

“You’re kidding,” snarled Backslash. “You’re _kidding!_ Just because Bayo flirts with him doesn’t give him the right to have feelings for her! She flirts with bosses right before she kills them!”

“I’d honestly be uncomfortable with her acting that way to me,” added Cupid. “I haven’t had such an experience, but the aftermath of the Body Swap thing actually came pretty close!”

“At least you made a friend out of it,” said Lapis, shrugging.

“Yeah, I’d like to work with Solvig sometime, if only to get a taste of a superhero continuum or two. Anyway, about my question…”

“There’s another flashback sequence later in this chapter,” said Whitney, dialing the RA. “That should be our next stop, seeing as the action in this fic is incomprehensible with all the paragraph winds blowing about.”

“Sounds fair,” said Backslash.

The portal opened up, and the group filed through it to find themselves in a **Flashback 1 and a half year ago for Salvador**

**_It was a nice and quiet day for Salvador as he just got back from sends a sinner back to hell which is strange because he left soul society to be ready for the day he gets his revenge and finally he can be at ease._ **

“Does this Stu really hate Aizen that much?” asked Cupid.

“Well, Barragan Luisenbarn, a.k.a. Arrancar No. 2, was Not Okay with Aizen trying to usurp his position of power,” replied Lapis. “Not all of them were devoted to him, sure, but I don’t remember any canon examples of an outright _heroic_ Arrancar. If anything, the Visored are the ones who want Aizen dead; they are the result of his twisted experiments while he was still a Shinigami, and then were framed for crimes against the Gotei 13 and had to escape to the mortal world to avoid execution. I’m beginning to guess that the Stu is a mislabeled Visored, especially since his attitude is making that possibility far less dubious.”

“ _Your_ attitude is making it far less dubious, I think,” Backslash muttered under his breath.

“Because he hasn’t done _any_ research on the _Bleach_ continuum! I don’t care how he handles Bayonetta, but the fact that he’s a terrible Arrancar is enough for me to want to get rid of him!”

“Uh, guys?” asked Cupid, pointing at the Words.

The agents looked up and then gasped. The Stu was talking… to Bayonetta.

“Wait, _what?!_ ” cried Backslash. “She’s known him for _over a year_?!”

“So that’s how he was able to find the time to overtake the airport,” said Whitney. “He can’t simply spend a whole year just doing nothing.”

“True, very true,” replied Lapis. “Can we just move on to the next chapter, then?”

“I vote for moving in _now_ ,” replied Backslash. “This mess is just unreadable and I won’t stand for it anymore, not after all the bollocks we witnessed over the past two chapters!”

“We need to find a safe point, though!” Lapis fired back, sparking electricity again. “The last time my team and I rushed in on a Stu this powerful, I lost my right hand and Cupid wrecked half of DoSAT while drunk driving!”

“You _had_ the opportunities to jump the Stu, and then you wasted them because you were trying to look patient and thorough! Are you sure that’s the reason and not you, oh, not wanting to lose your other hand like that last time?!”

Lapis whirled to face him, claws out. “Are you seriously implying that I’m a _coward?!_ You were the one who fainted when we saw the Stu ripping apart that poor bit character! What is your _problem?!_ ”

“Look, Lapis,” said Whitney. “I understand that you have issues with my partner. I know everything there is to know about what he said to you this past summer, and I can understand why you get so angry just looking at him. But you have to understand that upon learning what had happened, the Flowers and I went out of our way to make sure another incident like that would never happen again.”

“I can only hope it doesn’t,” replied Lapis.

“I’m not finished. Stop that right now and _listen_. Backslash has acknowledged that he was irrationally angry when he said the things he did, and he told you to leave because he didn’t want to see you hurt. He feels genuinely remorseful that he upset you to the point of violence, and he never wanted you to be so angry with him. I don’t, either.”

Lapis opened her mouth, and then closed it abruptly.

“So _why_ ,” said Whitney, “is it so hard for you to let go of the grudge you’ve held towards my partner for three and a half months? Are you even aware that we’re working to curtail his toxic behavior? That _he himself_ is?”

“Why should that matter? The damage was already done.”

“And I want to make amends for it, in any way I can,” replied Backslash. “Must you be such a bitey little _bitch_ and keep yelling at me over it? Even _Whitney_ is mad at you for that, and for the love of the Bionis, she’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever had the fortune to know!”

“Who gave you the guts to even talk to me, after all this time?” Lapis’ voice was close to shouting now. “You were the one who shat all over my missing hand in the first place!”

That was the bell for a certain angel-disguised-as-an-angel. Before the assassins could react, he’d body-slammed her to the nearest wall with a rattling _CLANG_!

“What the _gamo_ is _your_ problem?!” Cupid’s glare was piercing, especially with his face mere inches from hers. “You can’t just say that Backslash has the guts to talk to you like you’re superior to him! What happened to the Lapis who sacrificed her hand to save her partners from a lethal blow? Or the Lapis who gambled on Davy Jones holding his end of a deal to save Chakkik from a villainous Suvian god? I _miss_ that Lapis. I want to hang out with the Lapis who genuinely cares for the safety of her friends, not the Lapis who holds ridiculous grudges and enrages everyone else in the room with only one _gamimenos_ sentence! How long is it gonna be before you realize that, you little blue-haired _skatofatsa_?!”

Everyone, including Lapis, stared at Cupid, too shocked to speak.

The angel’s face fell, and then he sighed. “I know, I know. You have perfectly valid reasons to hate Backslash. But he’s my friend, too, and I just can’t stand seeing the two of you fighting like this. It’s pointless and immature, even for him.”

“ _Hey!_ ” cried Backslash.

“Besides, since we’re all working together on this mission, we won’t be able to make it out of here alive if we start fighting with each other, not in a continuum with an angel hunter,” Cupid continued. “I know I’ve backed you up before, but even _I_ know you’re in the wrong on this one. You and Backslash both. So both of you. Just. _Stop it_.”

Backslash and Lapis looked at each other, and then back at Cupid. Finally, it was Lapis who spoke.

“I hate Backslash, I really do. He’s elitist, ableist, obnoxious, and so self-absorbed that he can’t be bothered to double-check anyone’s character profile before even breathing in their general direction.” She paused, thinking. “But you know what? I hate seeing you this upset even more. You’re one of the most cheerful and optimistic people I’ve ever met, and you always go out of your way to make people smile. I never thought you’d tell anyone off like this, me in particular — and don’t get me started on the fact that you’re _sober_.”

“So?” asked Whitney. “Maybe it would be better for you to not talk at all except to apologize and just drop the whole thing altogether.”

“I want to move on, too,” replied Lapis. “I just don’t want to be reminded of what your partner said—”

“I’m sorry,” said Backslash.

Everyone looked at him, dumbfounded.

“Say it again?” asked Lapis. “A little bit louder this time?”

He collapsed to his knees, holding out his arm that wouldn’t have had bite marks in his normal form. “ _I’m. Sorry!_ For everything I said to you, and my attitude towards you, and my utter disregard for your strength. We’re both better than this, and I wish for it to stop. I just hope you can find it in your heart to do the same.”

“Then why are you holding out your other arm?” Lapis asked. “If you want me to bite that one, too, I can’t do that while I’m in disguise!”

Whitney sighed and rubbed her nose. The smaller female got the message within less than a second.

“Alright. I’m sorry for biting you. And Whitney’s right… If I keep being so hard in you, we’ll never finish this mission.”

“And the sooner we wrap it up, the better for all of us and both continua,” added Cupid. “But does this mean you won’t forgive him?”

“I want to, for your sake, but I can’t erase the things he said. If he can promise me that he won’t say anything like that again, though, I’ll think about it. I just want to be done with this entire thing.”

“That makes two of us,” replied Whitney. “Four if you add both my partner and yours.”

Backslash nodded, letting his arms droop to his sides. “So, no more stupid argument?”

“You’d better not start a new one,” said Lapis, smiling grimly. “But other than that, I… _we_ should be good. I hope.”

“Then how opposed are you to killing this Stu right now?” asked Whitney. “We already have a list of charges so long that I could run along it for exercise, so…”

“Technically, the biggest problem we have with this fic is the awful formatting,” replied Backslash. “But sure, that’s fine by me! Anyone else wanna speak up?”

Both untanglers shook their heads. Backslash would swear he saw Lapis’ armored face turn slightly green.

“Welp, a majority vote!” If Backslash could grin, he would’ve. “Let’s find a good spot to catch him off guard and dispose of him once and for all!”

“Way ahead of you, Monado Boy,” replied Whitney, dialing a portal. “Salvador will be separated from Bayonetta, again. We can jump him when he’s busy, or least expecting it.”

Cupid grinned. “Well, what are we waiting for, then? Let’s go kill a Reaper!”

One portal later, the agents found themselves back in the present day, tailing the Stu and Bayonetta once more.

 

> **Salvador saw a storm started to come in and a castle like place started to came in to view which they ran to take shelter for the time being. "We batter get to the castle fast a storms coming in fast by the looks of it."**

 

Sure enough, the wind of ¶-symbols had started once again. The agents closed in, unseen, their footsteps masked by the noise of the storm.

“This is such a bad idea,” said Lapis.

“All part of the job description,” replied Whitney. “So. How do we kill an Arrancar?”

“Very carefully. And very, very fast. The last thing I need is for him to try and kill us. Or me especially.”

“I thought we were gonna have to deal with Bayonetta at the same time,” replied Backslash. “Unless there’s something we may be missing?”

Cupid gasped. “There is, actually! Hang on, can I have the D.O.R.K.S. for a sec?”

“Um, why?” asked Whitney.

Cupid grinned slyly. “Consider this payback for the time when Lapis put me in a dress.”

“She did _what?!_ ” Backslash had to bite back a laugh.

“Not a word. _Not. A word._ Anyway. Here’s what we’re gonna do…”

 

A few moments later, a little blonde, blue-eyed girl in light blue lacy clothing stepped out onto the road in front of the Stu and Bayonetta.

"Huh What's this? Who are you?" asked the Stu.

“Let’s just get this over with,” Lapis growled. “Salvador Rakzin, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu on account of the following charges: not understanding the first thing about formatting; inserting yourself into a different continuum without any reason; trying to tie the two continua together for no reason and in a way that doesn’t make sense; getting yourself involved in canon flashback events _and_ distorting them, again to tie two mismatched continua together; not being able to spell anything at all; creating at least a dozen minis because of your aforementioned awful spelling; failing to characterize _anyone_ correctly; producing a paragraph windstorm that prevents anyone from distinguishing anything you or anyone else is saying; producing a bit character that’s the same name as a canon for no reason other than to messily butcher him; _messily butchering him_ in a manner that isn’t consistent with the violence seen in the _Bleach_ continuum; failing to research _anything,_ especially the _Bleach_ continuum in particular; not getting _your own abilities_ right; having an inner Hollow spirit when you clearly labeled yourself as a _freaking Arrancar_ , which _don’t have those in canon_ ; trying to pair yourself with Bayonetta when such isn’t _minet_ necessary; and in general producing an unreadable and infuriating wall of text that not even someone with a degree in English literature would be able to understand. You may have been passable as a character with a little research, but your formatting turned me off so badly that I have no other options. Now, be a good little _bozi tghah_ and _PLAY DEAD!!_ ”

She whipped out her trident and made to spear him in the throat.

The Stu immediately realized what she was going to do. He instantly unsheathed his own weapon and parried her strike — unaware that three angels had jumped his companion from behind, one of them with a little rod-like device.

_FLASH!_

“Salvador Rakzin is a disguised Joy!” cried Whitney.

The reaction was instantaneous. The Stu was prepared to run Lapis through when he suddenly heard the _click_ of two scarlet guns pointed at his back. Realizing what was about to happen, the younger girl shrieked and dived out of the way just as Salvador turned around.

The Umbra Witch didn’t waste a second. Before Salvador could even blink, she’d unleashed the fury of Scarborough Fair at point-blank range, every bullet hitting a bone or vital organ. Five seconds later, the ex-Arrancar toppled over backwards into his own pool of glitter. Around them, the storm of ¶-symbols died without so much as a haggard wheeze.

Bayonetta blew the smoke away from the tip of her gun, smirking. “I should’ve known,” she said. “Such a shame. I guess it couldn’t be helped, though — anyone who lays a hand on a child in front of me will be shitting lead for a month.”

“Th… Th-thank you, Bayonetta!” Lapis was shaking so violently that it was hard for her to stand up. “Ugh, never again! That was so scary…”

“Now, now, no cockroaches or crying babies.” She winked at Lapis.

Backslash took one look at the body, and fainted a second time.

“Hang on, I’ll get that,” said Lapis. She grabbed the RA from Whitney and opened a portal to the Mini Adoption Agency. Then, she lifted the Stu’s body and tossed it through.

Nine mini-Menos Grandes emerged from the shadows, attracted by the smell of glitter. Azien emerged from the shadows and joined them as well, licking its chops. Lapis quickly closed the portal before they dug in.

Meanwhile, Bayonetta was now sizing up the other angels, guns drawn. Whitney held up the neuralyzer again, and warned everyone else to look away or close their eyes.

_FLASH!_

“You don’t know anyone named Salvador, or anything to do with Arrancar or Reapers in general,” said Whitney, her eyes closed as she kept the neuralyzer pointed at Bayonetta’s face.

“You also might not want to kill us…” added Cupid.

“Cupid, no! You’ll ruin her characterization!” Whitney looked at the disguised angel, his expression slightly frantic. “What if your sentiment applied to _all_ angels, not just agents disguised as angels?”

“I don’t see why that would be a problem. What’s wrong with letting her take a break every once in a — OH _GAMO_ , SHE’S GONNA KILL US!!”

Indeed, Bayonetta had pointed both of her hand guns at the angels.

“Oh, uh, looks like we’ve overstayed our welcome!” she cried, fingers flying for the RA. “H-have a nice life!”

Realizing who had the RA at the moment, Lapis tossed it to Whitney, who dialed the portal back to Vigrid and pushed Bayonetta through.

Bayonetta watched the portal as it closed, her guns lowering. Then she shrugged, did an about-face, and headed off. She had her own business to attend to, after all.

 

********************

 

**Post-Mission**

 

_Twenty minutes of neuralyzations later, in RC 211…_

 

“Valon, you’ve been playing that Undertale game for five hours now. Give it a break, will you?”

“MUH DETERMINATION.”

Kala sighed. “Of course, I buy you a new game and you do nothing else.”

_[Bip.]_

Valon gave the screen a look of annoyance. “Oi! Notif! Get off the screen, you little… eh? It’s from Whitney…”

Kala stepped up and peered over her husband’s shoulder.

> [Can I come over for two minutes? — Agent Whitney, DMS-VG.]

“Well… I see no reason why she can’t.”

Valon raised an eyebrow. “Promise me you won’t just ogle her the whole time she’s here.”

“I will if you will.”

“Deal.” Valon sent off a response.

A moment later, a portal opened up in the middle of RC 211, startling the minis, and the trainer stepped through, her expression strangely apologetic.

Whitney closed the portal. “Hello, Valon. Hello, Kala. And I’m sorry.”

Kouroki peeked out from behind the sofa. “Motero?”

Valon bolted upright. “Holy jaybus, that’s prompt. So what brings you here?”

Whitney sighed, looking around the RC before returning to Valon. “I never got to congratulate you two in person at the wedding. We did visit, yes, but we got so caught up meeting other people at the time.”

“S’alright. The Notary would likely have made you want to punch her anyway. Kala was about to pummel her.”

“Hey, I wasn’t even two-thirds of the way to snapping.”

“That bad?” Whitney raised an eyebrow, chuckling a little.

“You’ve clearly never met the Notary.” Valon shuddered. “Anyway, where’ve you been?”

“Taking care of a very strange crossover. Are either of you two familiar with either _Bayonetta_ or _Bleach_?”

Kala recognized the look of excitement on Valon’s face. “YES, Valon’s played Bayonetta, he loves the game, _but he will not start talking._ ” Valon looked highly disappointed.

Whitney’s eyes widened, and then she rubbed her nose, squeezing her eyes shut. “I should’ve asked you to come along rather than having to put my partner and Lapis on the same mission. You recognized her from the wedding, did you?”

Valon tilted his head. “Er… I’m awful with names, who’s Lapis again?”

“Valon, blue hair, shark teeth?”

“Oh, her. Wait, what happened?”

“She was… a handful, to say the least. We’re still working things out, but I’m not sure if my partner will be able to work together with her safely unless they both resolve their attitude problems.”

Whitney slung off her bag of holding. “What’s more important, though, is that I never thought to bring you a wedding present. So I decided to resolve that issue tonight.”

Valon peered at the bag.

Two dragon heads peeked out.

Before the others could react, Whitney had opened the bag a little more, letting Vigraid the mini-Fortitudo and Banki the mini-Menos Grande emerge into the RC.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—”

Whitney struggled to make herself heard over Valon’s squeeing. “Valon, wait! I wanted to say something else!”

“—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—”

Kala clamped a hand over Valon’s mouth, reducing the high-pitched shrill to a faint whistle.

“Thank you, Kala.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Anyway… I’ve been talking to Falchion lately. Something isn’t right with his team, but I don’t know what.”

Valon’s muffled squeeing shifted to a muffled version of the first verse of Rap God.

Kala looked puzzled. “Wait, what is it? Is Ripper going flamethrower-crazy?”

“No, thankfully, though he’s still in Medical. I heard he was mauled by an overpowered _Jurassic Park_ Stu a while back, but he’s recovering. What’s more worrying is that Falchion’s _other_ partner has returned to the Duty — but she isn’t quite the same.”

Valon managed to pry his wife’s hand off his mouth. “Wait, Rosh? What do you mean?”

“Well…” Whitney glanced at the door. “Like I said, I honestly don’t know either. I’ll say this much, though: Don’t be surprised if you two get called in to deal with a very big situation sometime in the future.”

Valon looked unnerved. “Is that foreshadowing? Please don’t foreshadow.”

Whitney shook her head. “I’m not saying something _will_ happen, but knowing how Falchion’s team is doing, I think it _could_. Just… Just keep an eye on him and his partners for me, please. And if anything comes up, please let me know as soon as possible. Is that alright with you two?”

Valon and Kala shared a look.

“Alright, we’ll be here. Assuming…”

**_[ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN!]_ **

“...that doesn’t happen.”

Whitney looked at the console, then at the minis, then at the agents. Then she smiled, warmly but with a slight tinge of bitterness.

“Thank you both,” she said, nudging the two new minis towards Valon. “And congratulations, again.”

Valon stared at the minis, and Kala wore the universal eye-rolling expression of “Here we freaking go again…”

 

**********

 

Whitney stepped back through the portal, closing it behind her, to find a very annoyed Lapis sitting in the corner, Backslash on the sofa with a cup of tea, and Cupid trying to turn on the TV.

“What was that noise?” asked Backslash. “I thought I heard someone screaming.”

“It’s nothing important,” said Whitney. Then she noticed the girl in the corner. “Lapis, are you trying to be difficult?” she asked, scowling slightly.

“I’m giving myself a time-out. I’ve not been good to Cupid, and I’ve made a bad example to everybody.”

“Is that even necessary? You don’t have to be so upset just because you’ve made mistakes as a person. You just need to learn how to handle criticism like my partner has done.”

“Does it even matter?” Lapis stood up and made straight for the door. “I’m going to go get myself a blood test, _pronto_. I need to find out if that last bit of glitter from the _InuYasha_ mission from last year got into the rest of my system.”

“Are you _sure_ that’s the case?” asked Backslash. “For all I know it could just be you being such an angry brat like you always were.” He sipped his tea, giving her a disapproving look.

Lapis stopped in her tracks and turned to face him. “But I’ve made this whole evening about myself, again! I know I’m still learning how to actually deal with people, but at the same time, I’m really starting to worry.”

“The medical exam may be a good idea, but probably not while you’re still thinking irrationally,” said Whitney. “For all I know you could simply be storming out of the RC out of anger and just finding time to spend by yourself.”

“Which is precisely the point!” Lapis turned and made for the door again, but she hadn’t noticed that Cupid had caught on to her.

“Lapis,” he said, stepping in front of her. “I know you feel so bad about yourself, and so angry with Backslash, but if you want to mope, do it with us! We’ll try to make you feel better, we promise!”

“It can’t be helped, Angel Face. Now step aside, so I can—”

“Please stay,” said Whitney. “If anything happens between you and him, I’ll be there to stop it. You can’t just sit alone in your RC and do nothing to solve your problem, can you?”

“I—”

“Didn’t think so. Come, sit! I promise we’ll have a relaxing evening of gaming, yoga, and healthy snacks together!”

Lapis’ forehead turned blue. “But Backslash is h—”

“Aw, come on, don’t be shy!” Cupid patted Lapis’ shoulder. “This is the perfect opportunity for you guys to settle things in a non-violent manner! Look, they’ve even got _Mario Party 10_!”

“Ah, _Mario Party_ , the game that ruins friendships and bruises palms,” Backslash added with a sly grin. “You have _no_ idea how many times I’ve wanted to kill my partner for beating me. But enough about that. Why don’t we have some good, clean fun?”

“Together,” Whitney added, smiling warmly.

Lapis began to panic in earnest, stammering incoherently, but it was too late. Cupid grabbed her by the arm and led her over to the sofa. Backslash and Whitney had each grabbed a Wii U gamepad already and taken a seat. Cupid picked up the other two gamepads; keeping one for himself, he thrust the other into Lapis’ lap.

And then there were four on the sofa. From left to right: a Homs, an angel, a fitness trainer, and a very uncomfortable little girl with blue hair and a prosthetic hand.

“Well, then. Do any of you still wanna play _Smash_ 4?” said Cupid.

“You’re on!” the two assassins replied simultaneously.

Poor Lapis, of course, could only double-facepalm and mutter, “ _Akh, vay_ …”

 

#  **[END]**

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Backslash had come to refer to this tone as "DEFCON 3".  
> 2) General thoughts of the boys at this point: _DEFCON 2! DEFCON 2!!_  
>  3) For more info, check out Backslash and Whitney's second mission, “[Womb Raider](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sLQ3NQuKT_57HFi2H6lPHGDaNzJ9Gybig4BvZtn0KFc/edit?usp=sharing)”.  
> 4) Especially not when beating them up for lunch money.
> 
> A/N: What’s this, a mission based on a previously written interlude? Yes, yes it is! Y’know, I wasn’t originally going to expand the interlude I linked in the cover page any further than what was already there (I was originally going to copy-paste the interlude itself and take it from there, but my betas suggested that I cut out the irrelevant subject matter), but screw it, I might as well give the agents involved a taste of a new continuum as well as take care of a little subplot I’ve left hanging for a little while. I know Backslash was the main one at fault here, but Lapis has quite a few habits of her own that may seem off-putting to readers as well. It was interesting to write how the two of them clashed with each other when forced to cooperate, even though I hope it was implied that their skillsets matched up quite well otherwise. Teeth-Clenched Teamwork at its finest! Of course, this won’t be the last time these two will be working together, but for now it’s pretty clear that they still have a lot of ground to cover before they can interact in a (relatively) non-violent fashion. I almost feel sorry for them, _almost_ , but I feel that Backslash is becoming an obnoxious highbrow and Lapis a cranky little brat, so I guess it evens out. ^^;
> 
> This fic… Good _Lord_ , this fic, I can’t even. You know the whole deal with “Time, Place, Topic, Person” (TiP ToP) when it comes to line separation? This is exactly what I’m talking about. Just like with that one _InuYasha_ fic I sporked a while ago, there are so many lines smooshed together that could easily constitute separate paragraphs, and add to that the fact that punctuation is inconsistent (though not entirely absent) and you have a recipe for disaster. This is also why I decided not to separate any fic text into individual paragraphs, because they’d take up way too much space. On top of that, the fic couldn’t spell anything right. At all. I counted five mini-Fortitudos (First _Bayonetta_ minis! Yay!) and — le gasp! — _ten_ mini-Menos Grandes in the first five chapters alone, and I’m pretty sure there’d be tons more if I’d actually had the endurance to go through the whole thing. I simply don’t, though, and this mission would drag on for even longer than it’s doing as it is if I tried. I didn’t even get to the halfway point for flock’s sake! That’s how unreadable this fic is, at least to me anyway.
> 
> On top of that, even if it _was_ properly formatted, the fic itself did not do enough research. Names, powers, characterization, whatever. I have a feeling that the author simply looked up one or two episodes of _Bleach_ and the Wikia information about _Bayonetta_ and worked from there. The _Bleach_ manga is available in most bookstores, and I’m sure Let’s Plays of the first _Bayonetta_ game exist on the Internet, so really, researching either continuum isn’t that hard! Granted, there _are_ a few things that the author gets right — the Arrancar being Aizen’s creations and having a specific set of powers, for example — but they could at least stand to be more thorough with looking up the canon information. Like Lapis said, Arrancar and Visored are opposites of each other, and Arrancar certainly don’t have Hollow companions! Now I realize I’m being a bit of a hypocrite about this, since I myself had to rely on my brother, who used to be an avid _Bleach_ fan, for most of the info about the anime, but getting a second opinion is something that would’ve paved the way for a considerable improvement of the fic proper. As it is, well… I just couldn’t enjoy it, for all sorts of reasons but for the formatting primarily, sorry.
> 
> Special thanks to Voyd for volunteering Valon and Kala for a cameo appearance! As for how they know Whitney or how she knows Falchion, well… That’s a story for another time. ;)
> 
> — SkarmorySilver
> 
> Rescued minis:
> 
>     * _Bayonetta_ (mini-Fortitudos):
>       * Scabbard Fair (adopted by SkarmorySilver)
>       * Vigrad
>       * Vigraid (adopted by Voyd)
>       * is la del sol
>       * ilvthion tower
> 

> 
>  
> 
>   * __Bleach_ (mini-Menos Grandes):_
> 

> 
>  
> 
>     * Azien (adopted by SkarmorySilver)
>     * Karkura town
>     * Uraharas
>     * gaito 13
>     * rishi
>     * masamoyto
>     * Hitsogaya
>     * Reushi
>     * Banki (adopted by Voyd)
>     * hallows
> 



End file.
